Perfectionism

Sometimes I find myself so afraid of doing things wrong or being unsure of how to do something, that it is really hard to get started.

This afternoon it was programming for school. A massive and overwhelming task, especially when I have not done it before for a class. It was too much, so I kept finding other things to do apart from that. I was on the verge of panicking at the enormity of it all.

This happens to me a lot, in different situations and it's not helpful. Something needs to change.

So I had a nap, prayed, took a deep breath and made a plan of attack.

Baby steps.

One thing at a time.

In the end I figured I should just start on one thing - guided reading worksheets for the week.

I typed in the title of the book and then stared at the screen for 5 minutes. Where the heck do I start? I envy experienced teachers who can do these now without thinking. I want them to be engaging, at their level so they can achieve independently but being challenging enough to push them a bit further, to excel them, to encourage them....

Just start with something!

And then it sort of flowed. Not sure if it's groundbreaking stuff but it's a start for me.

I realise this thought process comes quite naturally or sub-consciously for many people but for me I have to talk myself through it.

Perfectionism is crippling at times.

Anyone else like that?

i think i can, i think i can

It's Wednesday morning.

Two more days left of Term 1.

Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Seems nigh impossible to make it through the next 2 days.

Would coffee really help in this situation or is it all a myth?

Couldn't sleep last night.

Evaluating, thinking and planning for next term.

No plans forming for the next two days though.

God please give me strength.

I can't do this using my own.

i'm back....i think

Having changed my email address a couple of months ago, I was having issues signing into my blog. The complexities of it was too much and I couldn't find the answer easily in the Help section so I gave up and got caught up in the busyness of work. Something must have being different tonight as I was ready to tackle it again and lo and behold - problem solved! Now to actually write some posts...

off switch

I like thinking.

I also like sleep.

Which is problematic because I have not yet figured out how to turn the thinking part of the brain off when it is time to sleep. Last night I ended getting out of bed to watch a DVD for 2 hours, hoping I would fall asleep on the couch. That didn't work. So went back to bed at 2:30 and must have eventually dozed off.

I think it's end of year reflectiveness that has my brain in overdrive. I also find that Sunday nights are a thought full time, thinking about the week ahead.

There are many thoughts swirling around but will just share one for now. I was wondering why I hadn't been writing on my blog more often. Here's my theory - I feel I don't have the time or the talent to write perfect final copy posts, linking ideas and trying to connect my random thoughts to where I had read that idea and then trying to find it. So here's the solution - rough draft posts. I will try not to worry about how perfectly written these posts are and just get those thoughts out there. So please forgive me if it's not a coherent, grammatically correct, brilliant piece of writing!

beautiful art

My flatmate Christine and I have been chatting about filling the walls of our house with artwork so I have been on the lookout for perfect (but affordable) pieces. And then I happened to be reading my friend Naomi's blog where she bought some art by an artist Geninne on the Etsy shop.

It took me forever to choose which ones to get because they are all so beautiful but I ended up getting these ones:







I also bought this series for Mum which I won't get in time for Christmas but it will make a lovely Mothers Day present.

it's funny because it's true

things I have learnt this year...

Cathy tagged me for this meme. I need to list six things I have learnt this year. I can think of some silly things I have learnt this year:

1. If you try to bowl in a style like the professionals when you are a klutz you are more than likely going to end up on your butt.

2. A sandwich forgotten in your bag all day will go very, very soggy. And plastic bags are very useful things.

3. I can get fun, young and funky clothes - I’m not limited to 3 shops who mostly specialise in older woman, frumpy clothing.

4. High School Musical is fun.

5. Kids will ask you if you’re pregnant regardless of your size. They asked my friend at work if she was and she is a Size 6!

6. I really, really, really, really, really want a fancy, schmancy, snazzy, super duper, whizz bang SLR digital camera. And the waiting until I save enough money is killing me.

7. I am artistic but in a different way to what I expected (who would have thought!)

I didn’t think I could come up with 6 things but the more I thought about the more I have realised what I have learnt (or re-learnt) over the past year. My list is longer than six but I had trouble stopping!

1. Don’t assume that because something is fine and reasonable with you, means that it will be fine and reasonable to someone else.

2. Planning and organisation makes for a much smoother day and helps to balance all the things I want to fit into my day. If I don’t plan or get organised (which is most days) things get forgotten, left out or done at a late hour. The one thing that often gets left out is my quiet time.

3. Just because you are your own worst critic does not mean that others think the same of you. I have always struggled thinking that people won’t want to be my friend because I am fat (irrational and stupid I know but it’s true) but have been proven wrong as I have made a number of new friends (and become better friends with others) this year at work, the gym, at Church and at Reading Recovery training. I still don’t believe that I will ever get married because I am fat but it has been nice to realise that my friends can see my inner beauty and qualities (and all my faults) and still want to spend time with me and love me.

4. Regular time with God is so valuable and helps me to try to be more focused and centred on Him and His will, rather than relying on my own strength, sticking to my own agenda and seeking other people’s approval.

5. We all show our stress and anger in different ways, it’s not always personal and I need to remember that my being quiet and withdrawn when tired, emotional and stressed can be just as off-putting or offensive to someone as a person’s small bursts of anger are to me.

6. Real love is sacrificial love. It’s all well and good to do things for people when I am in the mood, have the time and energy to but it’s a test to really love my friends, colleagues and family when I’m tired, busy, want my own space.

7. Just because I don’t express my thoughts out loud does not mean it’s any less of a sin.

8. We are all sinners, of which I am the worst. And God’s grace is very real and very precious and freely given; which I don’t deserve but God’s love is sacrificial and beautiful and a model to me of how I should love.

I could go on and on....Thank you Cathy for tagging me to do this meme – it has really helped me to reflect a bit on the year.

the divine miss em

My good friend Shell asked me to take some photos of her gorgeous girl Emily and these two are, so far, my absolute favourites. My Dad always taught me the rule that you have to take lots and lots of photos so the odds are better that you will have a few spectacular ones, which is especially true with babies!

golden moments

I actually really like playing trivia.
It helps if you're on a table with good friends, good food and have at least one member of the team who can answer a good chunk of the questions. That person is not me. But I do aim to have one golden moment each time I play. A golden moment is where a question is asked and a silence hangs over the table, you can feel the despair and franticness as people rack their brains for the answer and then rising up to save the day you give the answer that no one else knew.
It's a glorious and wonderful feeling - you should give it a go sometime.
I'm going to play trivia tonight with some people from Bible Study - here's hoping for one golden moment.