off switch

I like thinking.

I also like sleep.

Which is problematic because I have not yet figured out how to turn the thinking part of the brain off when it is time to sleep. Last night I ended getting out of bed to watch a DVD for 2 hours, hoping I would fall asleep on the couch. That didn't work. So went back to bed at 2:30 and must have eventually dozed off.

I think it's end of year reflectiveness that has my brain in overdrive. I also find that Sunday nights are a thought full time, thinking about the week ahead.

There are many thoughts swirling around but will just share one for now. I was wondering why I hadn't been writing on my blog more often. Here's my theory - I feel I don't have the time or the talent to write perfect final copy posts, linking ideas and trying to connect my random thoughts to where I had read that idea and then trying to find it. So here's the solution - rough draft posts. I will try not to worry about how perfectly written these posts are and just get those thoughts out there. So please forgive me if it's not a coherent, grammatically correct, brilliant piece of writing!

this is who i am

I have felt for the longest time too afraid to be myself and really let people see who I am. It stops me from joining in lots of social activities and it gives me anxiety sometimes over the social activities I do join in, it stops me from contributing to everyday conversations and at bible study, it prevents me from praying out loud.

I've been thinking, if I have trouble being myself and opening myself up to people, letting them see me (in the normal everyday) how much am I missing out on opportunities to share about Jesus? It's a big enough deal for me to admit to a group of predominantly dog people that I like cats, or in front of a bunch of intellectuals that I enjoy the Twilight series let alone talk about Jesus to non-Christians.

Vanessa Amorosi's song 'This is Who I Am' has struck a chord with me as I've become more aware and grown to accept myself as I am and to make myself vulnerable by letting others see who I am.

Well it's alright to be myself
Now I've learned to stand
Well it's OK to be just who I am
I've spent years really hating me
Longing to be friends
Now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

I let my anxiety over my looks and my size hinder me as well. I've been enslaved to it and it prohibits me from living my life in full, enjoying friends, socialness and relationships and more importantly in serving God and bringing glory to Him. God made me the way I am, lovingly and purposefully, my body, my looks, my personality, my gifts. It's all good gifts from Him and I should be grateful for them and look to how I can use them for his glory.

another chapter

There is a change for me next year in my career. In a lot of ways I am very ready to move on from being a Reading Recovery teacher. I found it quite challenging and at times depressing as I struggled each day to teach these kids and see slow and little progress. When they started succeeding and achieving it was incredibly rewarding but I am ready for a change and was overjoyed when my school decided to give me a Year 2 class in 2010.

I graduated recently and at the ceremony the handout had this quote on the back from Marie Clay, who developed the Reading Recovery program. It really resonated with me with how I felt, particularly the last 6 months, as I've questioned my abilities as a teacher when my kidlets weren't learning.

Teachers who work in an early literacy intervention should be given recognition for the work they do.
The task is not quite as exciting as teaching children of varied talents in a classroom. It is a job that carries more strain, and one's pupils will often have lower achievement than those of other teachers at the end of the year.
The school has to recognise that this person is very important and needs appropriate rewards for taking this task.
The response of these children may not be rapid, even when they are given a highly skilled and experienced teacher who uses special techniques.

I'm looking forward to the exciting, and quite daunting, role of class teacher. I'm thankful that I have the skills as a trained Reading Recovery teacher to implement strategies within a classroom setting to excel students in reading and writing. I'm not confident in any other key learning area but if nothing else my class will be fantastic readers!!

holiday reading

Term 4 was busy and exhausting. So exhausting in fact that I have not been reading at all this Term. I've been too tired to read before going to bed, which is what I usually do. Which is why I am very thankful it is now holidays!

I've been given a pile of books from the Angus & Robertson Top 100 List by a Mum from school (we are both working our way through that list and she very kindly lends me all her books) and I have quite a few unread Christian books of my own. Last holidays, which was 2 weeks, I read 5 books. Not sure I can keep up that rate these holidays but it will be fun trying to get there!

From the Top 100:
* Tully by Paullina Simons
* Wicked by Gregory Maguire
* Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

A classic that needs to be read:
* Sense & Sensibility by Jane Austen

Christian books I haven't finished yet (over halfway):
* Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley
* Worldliness edited by CJ Mahaney
* You Can Change by Tim Chester

Christian books to start:
* Open Heart, Open Home by Karen Mains
* Desiring God by John Piper

Might go read for a little bit right now!

beautiful art

My flatmate Christine and I have been chatting about filling the walls of our house with artwork so I have been on the lookout for perfect (but affordable) pieces. And then I happened to be reading my friend Naomi's blog where she bought some art by an artist Geninne on the Etsy shop.

It took me forever to choose which ones to get because they are all so beautiful but I ended up getting these ones:







I also bought this series for Mum which I won't get in time for Christmas but it will make a lovely Mothers Day present.

I'm no superwoman

Now, before anyone thinks I've gone on a writing rampage, I just happened to have found all those posts I thought I had deleted. And after reading through most of them, I found it helpful to be reminded of previous epiphanies and therefore re-posted them. Pretty much all posts from October from here to the photos of Emily are old posts.

the lord, my comforter

I just did this study last week, from the topical study 'Woman of God' from Mathias Media, with a friend from the 'am' service and have, as always, found God's timing in what I'm learning perfect. One part of the study looked at some verses from Hebrews, I particularly liked these:

"14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

About 3 weeks ago my neurologist recommended that I try weaning myself off my medication for my headaches to see how I go but in the last week I've been getting headaches again; one on Monday night was especially painful. Headaches, for me, mean time off work, no going to the gym, no socialising and no bible study - not my idea of a great time really. It's easy to get down about the state of my health but it's good to be reminded that I can approach God with confidence so that I may receive mercy and grace to help me in my time of need.

"4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:4-7

Sometimes I think surely Jesus didn't go through every temptation and suffering that I have or will? But the Bible says He has, so I need to believe it. He understands my pain, and he understands my anxiety but what I must do is go to Him with it. Just as Jesus did when He was tempted or suffering, He went straight to God to seek peace, comfort and strength. Which is one of the reasons I loved this post from Unfurling Flower.

It's good to be reminded that even thought God knows our every need, that He likes us to seek Him and ask for Him to give us strength and healing. We also need to do this so we humble ourselves before God and acknowledge that it is Him who sustains us.